The Autobiography of John M. Milner

I can admit it! This isn't anywhere close to being where I wanted to be at 40-plus years of age. And I know that I can't go back and change things (although I could probably be make a Top 5 list of "Things I Would Change About My Life To Date" with ease!) but that doesn't mean I can't wonder what the future might bring.

In fact, I think, since I have this blog at my disposal, why not share some of those visions with "my public"? So, if you want to know what the next twenty or thirty years of my life are going to be like, sit back and check this out...

(Just remember, I retain the movie rights!)

With the publication of my novel Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend, I don't quite sell enough copies to retire to a life of leisure. I am however, proud to note that it becomes a cult classic, popular among disillusioned 20-somethings. "A Modern Day Catcher In the Rye" is how one critic describes it.

I give my first interview to Paul Sutter of Shelf Life Magazine and the next day walk into the Coles at Masonville to find it on the shelves there. Dedicated to my friend, Dee, I give my first copy to my parents, the second to my friend Kelly.

As the book gains an underground following, Cameron Crowe buys the rights (with me kept on as a special adviser) to make the film version, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Billy Bob Thornton, Lauren Graham, Kaley Cuoco and Eric Bruskotter.

The income from the film (and increased revenue from the book sales) allow me to move my parents to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania and pay for my nephew Jack's university tuition and my sister's second wedding.

I continue to work for GDLS-C until the publication of my second book "Take the Long Way Home" which, while it doesn't spawn a movie version, does become a best-seller. With its success I retire and write full-time.

Within a year, I realize I've fallen in love with my agent, Amanda Robinson. When my novel "A Time of War" becomes #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List, I propose. She accepts and we have a spring wedding. She will bear me a son, John Emmett Milner.

After several other books, I finally am able to publish my "labour of love" entitled When Wrestling Was Golden, about being a wrestling fan in the late 1980s. The book doesn't sell as well as my others and some critics question why I would publish it at all. However, my devoted fanbase (as well as wrestling fans around North America) buy enough copies for it to be respectable.

But more than the number of copies that the book sells is the opportunity it provides me. Vince McMahon becomes a fan and hires me to head up the new WWE History Department.


As I work on an exhaustive, all-encompassing History of Pro Wrestling From 1900-2020, I sit in on several WWE story meetings. Within a year, I have become a story editor for Smackdown. With a creative team that includes myself, Jim Cornette, Paul Heyman and Mick Foley, WWE enjoys its greatest years both in terms of ratings and fan satisfaction.

Sadly, I won't be there to watch the organization reach it's greatest heights in popularity. After my passing of an undisclosed illness, my friends and family hold a great wake following a WWE house show at the John Labatt Centre held in my honour. (I'm hoping Ric Flair has one last match in him for me.)

Five years after my death, Oliver Stone pens and directs my biography, starring James Ransome as me, Tina Majorino as Kelly, Melanie Lynskey as Dee, Harrison Ford as Vince McMahon, and Maggie Gyllenhaal as Amanda.

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Hey...want to be part of the Oliver Stone bio-pic? Leave me a comment telling me who you'd want to play you? (I know I left a lot of people out but I didn't want to inadvertently insult someone with my pick to play them.)