Love, Loss and Learning

When I was 22 years old, I lost my best friend in a car accident. The first thing I thought of when I heard the news was that I would never be able to tell her how I felt. I had always told myself that if I ever developed feelings for someone, I would tell them, because I had always assumed it would be better to know one way or the other, than having to face a lifetime of "what ifs".

Time and circumstance now reveal that I was better off not telling her how I felt. I've made peace with the fact that she loved me. Whether romantically or not, that I will never know...but at least I know she loved me as a friend, and for that knowledge I am grateful. All of my memories of her are pure, and not tainted by what might have transpired if I had revealed my feelings for her.

Earlier tonight, I found out that I'd lost another friend, someone I really cared about. As it turns out, I really lost this friend over five months ago, after getting made at her for not telling me something I had to find out on Facebook...and after I told her something she already knew, that I was still in love with her. (I had told her five years ago, then watched her get married to someone she knew was not right for her...but I guess it was better than being with me.)

After I apologized to her, she told me everything was fine, and she'd contact me in a week or so. Instead, she decided to wash her hands of her friendship with me...and just not bother to tell me, leaving me to agonize over what was transpiring between us for five and a half months.

I'm not sure what made her decide to end the friendship more: the fact I had gotten upset with her or the fact I told her I was still in love with her. Either way, I was made to feel as though it was my fault that she had ended our friendship.

UPDATE: Given 24 hours to mull the situation over, I decided not to take down this blog, or leave Facebook. I realize now the person who made me feel this way wasn't worth it. I'm still saddened that a seven year friendship was destroyed because she couldn't forgive me for one mistake, when she had forgiven others for a lot more. But that was her choice, and the only regret is I didn't see her for who she was sooner.

As for a romantic relationship, I am still very interested in pursuing one with the right person. I'm not perfect, but I feel that I am a very caring person, who would like to find someone to be friends with, before moving on to becoming more than friends. (So if anyone has any single, female friends...)